Cake, presents, and the most AWESOME BLOGPOST OF THE YEAR.
Now! It's time to pick my personal favorite blogpost of the year. (Besides this one)
And the winner is....
THE VACUUM OF YOUTUBE!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, it's STORY TIME.
The time where I combine life experiences into one big blog post (with a few fictional touches, of course)
Now, this one is called:
EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY EVER COMBINED.
Once, there was a girl named Jane.
Like most people, Jane had a birthday.
And, like every breathing creature on this good Earth, Jane was obsessed with...
She also happened to have a mother fantastic at baking...
Let's do some math, here.
But enough math! We're here to have fun!
Believe it or not, there's MORE to this Birthday Spectacular!
Now, this is a birthday TIMELINE. Going back all twelve years!
Let's start with Year One, shall we?
One year old. What a big girl? Who's a big girl? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Now, nobody in my family has the brain of an alien, and can't remember what presents I received on this magical day.
However, we do remember the cake very well.
What? The blue eyes? Yes, for the first five years of my life I had the most dazzling blue eyes. However, as I neared age six, they deserted me and magically turned color into almost emerald green. Which is NOT fair because I would look absolutely spectacular with blue eyes. Anyway, after emerald green lasted for a year, they were dark green until I was nine, and ever since they have been hazel. I hope I get purple next. CAN YOU IMAGINE ME WITH PURPLE EYES?? Ahh! So cute!
BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
The most important thing is the cake.
Look closely... it's VANILLA!!
Yes, my poor parents had no idea that this little tyke they'd so horribly served vanilla cake to would grow up to be the most notorious chocolate-eater of all time.
(Shakes head) My poor, ignorant parents. BUT. They had bought themselves some time. The big mistake of giving me a single spoonful of melted chocolate chips when I was two and a half, but that's later.
Anyway, I grabbed a big chunk of the tiny cake as soon as it was set of my highchair. What was this substance that smelled so heavenly? It was as warm and felt as the bubbles in my tub did. Was this... BUBBLEFOOD?
There was only one way to find out.
Being the dainty eater I am, I shoved my entire first into my mouth and carefully licked the frosting.
MMM. IT IS BUBBLEFOOD... ONLY TASTY!!!
And then something rich and moist hit my tongue. Is it...my sister's finger, which I gnawed on when I got the chance?
No, that tastes like flesh.
IS IT... MUD?
Nope. Mud tastes WAY worse, and I figured that out WAY too early.
"How do you like your cake?" my mother asked.
One word rang out in my mind. A scientific fact is that babies understand English years before they learn to speak it, and this was one of the words I knew before I could say it.
It was cake.
I like cake, I thought. M-M-More!!! M-M--M-MOOOORRREEEE!
I clawed at the cake like a mangy animal, slathering my body in it.
While I was eating, I accidentally flung a piece of cake over the side of my high chair.
WHAT. WHAT IS THAT.
The glob of cake fell to Earth, splattering on the tile. Mom quickly cleaned it up.
My breathing slowed to normal.
I carefully stuck my hand into the cake, and then shook my hand over the side of the high chair.
DO IT AGAIN.
To my satisfaction, a few crumbs of cake fell down.
Satisfied with my work, I smiled my toothless smile, and hopped up and down. Mom took away the cake, and I fell asleep as soon as she picked me up and held me against her body. She washed me while I slept, and I slept my whole birthday away.
END OF YEAR 1.
And what's next? YEAR TWO. Which, we remember nothing of. Sorry!
But, what I DO remember is...
THE DAY I TRIED CHOCOLATE.
I was obsessed with stacking things. Even though I was two, I could stack thin cylinders all the way up, even better than I do today.
So I was doing my duty; bouncing in my diaper as I tried to stack the cyllinders again for the four thousandth time, and I heard my mother calling my sister.
I took a bath any time, any where; even if somebody just went into the bathroom to pee I'd follow them and sit in the tub until they carried me out, and every time somebody took a bath, I wouldn't let them do it without ME.
So I didn't want to miss out on any bath extravaganza, and crawled into the kitchen, followed by my dad, who had been taping my cylinder activities.
"YUM, YUM, YUM!" My sister screamed as my mom handed her a spoonful of chocolate goodness. She popped it in her mouth, and then handed it back to Mom, who scooped another glob from a small plastic cup onto it, and handed it back to here.
Ana danced around the kitchen with her spoon.
What could make her so happy? I wondered.
That delectable which Ana was so greedily consuming was known in scientific terms as: Ecstasy. In reality terms: MELTED CHOCOLATE CHIPS.
I needed to get a piece of the action. I gurgled and reached for the spoon.
"You want some, Jane?" Mom asked. I reached for the spoon again. Mom handed me the final scoop.
And I popped the spoon in my mouth.
That was the start of it all.
After the cake on my third birthday, Mom and Dad walked me out to the driveway to glimpse my new...
It was a shiny, pink TRICYCLE.
Naturally, I fell in love with it right away, having the girlish nature to love pink at one point in my life.
I hopped on it and Dad held the handlebars as I zoomed around the driveway.
YEAR ( 4, 5, SKIP A FEW... DUM DE DE DUM...) 11!
The first thing I want to say is the cake, which is the best I've ever had. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE FROSTING. OH MY GOD.
It was amazing. But, it was agony. ALL DAY, ALL DAY...
ME: Cake? Now?
MOM: No, cake after dinner.
ME: But mo-om! I'm going to die if I don't have any cake RIGHT THIS MOMENT.
MOM: Stop the drama. Leave me alone.
ME: I will wither away to nothing! My cake meter is extremely low. If I don't have cake, the world will turn into a black hole and we all will die and perhaps even suck in the entire universe and what will be left? NOTHING. I need some cake right now, please.
MOM: Go away.
I followed her around the entire day, and was especially close to her when she was around the cake, perhaps moving it or frosting it.
I did everything for her. I set the table, I made her coffee, I drove her crazy... but I got no cake.
AND I WAITED FOR EIGHT TRILLION YEARS, BUT FINALLY....
(PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU ARE ON A DIET)
That first bite was heavenly. It's rich, moist texture coated my teeth with the most beautiful taste imaginable .. the rich, splotches of Ghiradelli chocolate chips... the smooth, silky frosting...
(My mouth is watering. I have to stop)
And then, the PRESENTS.
Paper! A whole ream of paper! And a golf club! AND A PHONE. It is embarrassingly medieval, but I love it like a iPhone 4S.
Well, that hasn't happened yet. I promise I will post all about it as soon as possible.
SPOILER: Dad got me a Mac! We picked it out online, and now I can say goodbye to this ratty Toshiba! The only problem is, Paint and Word are different. We'll see.
STOP IT. You don't have to go to bed. It's only... what? 6:45? AM? Don't be silly! This Spectacular can't be over yet; that's why it's called a SPECTACULAR!
YES. THERE'S MORE.
Now it's time for an almost physically painful Birthday Story. You may skip this, if you like.
It was in 3rd grade. I brought cupcakes to school.
And they were heavy.
And we dropped them.
And I cried.
And there was lots of hugging.
Yay! Hope that brightened your day.
Now, onto SOMETHING ELSE.
It's time to vote for PICTURE OF THE YEAR. (YAEEEY)
Also, why hog all the power? I want you, MY LOYAL, AMAZING, WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, AWESOME, GOOD-CRAZY, GREAT, LOVELY, GRAND, EXQUISITE, EXCITING, MONUMENTALLY LOYAL, CUTE, HILARIOUS, FANTASTIC, GORGEOUS, STUNNING, GOOD-LOOKING, BEAUTEOUS, SPLENDID, RAVISHING, PICTURESQUE, HANDSOME, FAIR, EYE-OPENING, PERFECT readers, to vote on your own for PICTURE OF THE YEAR.
A BIRTHDAY LIST!
(Yes, I may be running out of ideas, but I think you'll enjoy it!)
1. FERARRI FANTASTY.
Ever since I can remember, I've been the car person of my family. Every family has one.
I drool on the glass of the car windows when we pass the Porsche store on the way to school, I spend hours online researching the fastest, most beautiful cars in existence.
This Ferrari Fantasy stuff all began one morning, I believe it was in August.
Dad was off on a run, and a pile of his magazines was on the counter. (He's a magazine guy.) One was set in my favorite place to sit. Mom served me pancakes, and as soon as I was finished ricocheting off the walls I noticed it peeking out behind my plate.
I read the first word: FERRARI, and began to drool.
I pored over the article. (http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/the-ferrari-fantasy)
It was a doorway to a whole new experience. I knew one thing; I had to have that car.
Which inspired me to write a book for money to get a car!
Which inspired me to add this next thing to my list.
It's gonna be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cool! I'll get to wear dark clothes and sunglasses and get to have this pushy air that's like: HEY, BUDDY, YOU'D BETTER PUBLISH MY BOOK OR MY AGENT AND I WILL GET YOU.
Or, a Girl in Black!!!!
And then I'll be rich and famous! And famous! And rich! And adorable! And amazing! And rich!
3. MAKE YOUR OWN FONT SOFTWARE
This is possibly third most coolest thing on my list.
Oh. It is.
Since I hand-wrote my novel, I wanted to have my own handwriting for the font when I typed it up. The first website I visited listed it for $600, but the next site had it for $10.
I REALLY REALLY WANT IT. Mom says she'll talk to Dad, yay!!!!! Maybe I can get an Agent for Christmas, since already I'm getting a new laptop and maybe the font software.
Here's the link to this gorgeous invention: http://www.yourfonts.com/
4. MY OWN TV
Yes, I know this will never, ever, in a million trillion years come true, but a girl can dream, can't she?
Even if I have to maul my Mom for it...
I WILL have the bestest cake ever.
UPDATE: It's my birthday!! Time to publish my post. I felt like a queen all day. I handed out munchkins to teachers and students and the teachers gave me stickers and lollipops in return! But then Ana threw out the bag with all my bday pencils, but I guess that's okay.
I came home and had some cup of soup. Then I went upstairs to do my homework. Then I came down and hunted for presents that Mom and Dad hid while I was doing my homework. Then we ate dinner. SOON WE WILL HAVE THE CAKE... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
I WILL PUBLISH A POST AS SOON AS I OPEN MY PRESENTS, I PROMISE.
But for now, goodbye, dear blog!
Hope you enjoyed my TWELFTH BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations for putting up a year of my social awkwardness, comedic genuineness, and weird drawings.